hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
