well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
