So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
