i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Randomize
