If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
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I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
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Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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