The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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