Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
