how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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