ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize