I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
