She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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