does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
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Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
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Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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