god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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