it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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