I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
