You made me cry and you don't even care
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
not ubering you a puppy
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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