Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
