Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
