She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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