My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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