Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
