dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
