I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
