Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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