as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
