saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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