are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
