whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
