Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
