my soul wont recognize me after tonight
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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