wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
