You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
