Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
