i permit you to call me
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
