I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
