Betty ford says i'm here all night
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
