Your face is a jimmy john
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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