You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
