One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
