You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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