I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
