i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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