I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
