I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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