Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Let's get the cat blown out
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
