Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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