so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
