I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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