I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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