there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
