whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
