Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I cannot find my penis.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
