So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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