Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
