I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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