Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
