Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
