apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
