I think I can smell my own vagina right now
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
