there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
