i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
and she was petting her beer can
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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