the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
