I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
