My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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